Since childhood
by NataliaArlovskaya
Summary: DenSu: Matthias and Berwald had been friends since childhood...but Matthias has two secrets even his best friend doesn't know about...  FF ist finished. I will upload a new chapter every week.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Matthias Køhler and Berwald Oxenstierna had been friends since kindergarten. They had attended the same school, had gone to the same class and had spent lots of holidays together in Sweden and in Denmark. Their parents were friends with each other and had met regularly bringing their children along.  
>They both visited medieval markets. They had played ice hockey. You could describe them as best friends who could tell each other everything. Well... <em>almost<em> everything.  
>Matthias had a secret, and no one knew about it: The Dane was gay. He hadn't told anyone, not even Berwald. He did not know exactly why he had remained silent.<br>After all...He didn't care about the opinions of other people, he was who he was and everyone liked him the way he was. In fact, he had nothing to be afraid of. And yet he stayed silent.  
>He found out in a sports camp. Berwald had been in Sweden with his family and Matthias in this camp. He always had wondered why women hadn't interested him. He found men more attractive, and thought of men in the evening, when he was alone in his room. It was strange for him and he had never understood himself. He wasn't normal, so he thought.<br>But then he made his first homosexual experience in the sports camp. The other boy was gay and didn't have a problem of telling it. Lucas was his name.* Matthias had asked him about being gay and it had been clear after a while. Secretly Lucas had showed him what you could do and which actions felt very good and more. They still had contact after that.  
>A few weeks later Matthias found out something else, his second great mystery no one knew of: He loved his best friend and had always done.<br>Somehow, he felt guilty to dream about...doing things with the other one in his mind...But he couldn't change it. And so he remained silent and pretended as if everything would be normal.  
>It was as usual, except that he had dreams almost every night. About Berwald. And this dreams weren't innocent. Not at all.<br>Both began to work in the same company for Arthur Kirkland and worked in the same department. Many people wondered how these two could be friends while being so different.  
>Matthias was loud, rude, and he liked to drink. He liked to socialize with people and was a man with whom you could do almost everything. And he accompanied his friends, when they needed help.<br>Berwald was quiet, never said anything and was rather reserved. Many were afraid of him.  
>In the breaks, Matthias sat down next to Berwald and talked and Berwald listened, said something here and there.<br>But Matthias couldn't keep his thoughts for himself forever. Someday he would have exploded because of this pressure. But still...he didn't tell anyone about this. But it had to get out somehow. Then Emma* appeared. She was friendly, cheerful and understood him. And she had known immediately that he was gay. She had seen through him instantly, and both had met more often.  
>But she had to return to Belgium after a while. They wrote letters. Many thought that the two were going out, but that wasn't true.<br>And Emma was a treasure. She gave him advice, she said he should confess to Berwald, but Matthias was a coward.  
>He said that Berwald was straight.<br>She said, he shouldn't confess to be in love with him, but tell him, that he was gay. Step by step.  
>Then the day came, where Matthias' world fell into pieces. Berwald introduced him to Tina*. His new girlfriend. Matthias smiled, said nothing, but he hated her. He hated her deep from the bottom of his heart. He wanted to torture her, he wanted to kill her, he wanted to made her scream. But he didn't do that. Because Berwald seemed to like her. And hurting her would hurt Berwald.<br>Matthias hated her even more, when he learned that she only played with his best friend and didn't take the relationship seriously, and she also tried to change him. She wanted to forbid him the contact to Matthias.  
>Why couldn't Berwald be with someone who really loved him, someone...like him? Instead, he had a Finnish woman, who didn't love him.<br>Few weeks later, Matthias still prayed every day that they would break up. He also told her, and Berwald, what he thought of her. He was honest and rude, after all. But he also made clear that it wasn't his life and that the whole thing was Berwald's decision. Berwald stayed silent.  
>What did the Swedish man think about this mess? No one knew. Except himself.<p> 


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Matthias and Berwald sat next to each other in a diner and ate hot dogs. It was a tradition. They met there every Friday and sometimes more often and everybody knew them. Matthew enjoyed the food - he hadn't eaten anything this day. And meeting up with Berwald was always a great thing. Although the Swede rarely spoke. He listened more. As always. This system existed since kindergarden. So...for about 17 years.  
>"God ... I love the hotdogs here ...they're the best in London! Perhaps they're the best, because they come from Denmark," He bit into his favorite dish. Berwald was silent and ate his hotdog. "Did you watch the news recently?"<br>Berwald nodded briefly.  
>"Crazy shit. I mean, it's a miracle, that nobody noticed it until now!"<br>And Matthias talked. He spoke of everything except his...orientation and Tina.  
>"Matthias?" Berwald interrupted him calmly with his deep voice. The Dane looked up.<br>"Yes?" He said. It was rare that the other one spoke, so Matthias took advantage of that every time he had the chance. He loved the voice of the other one. It made him shudder.  
>He wondered how his voice would sound...when he'd moan... under the Dane's body... with an open shirt and red cheeks ... Matthias interrupted his thoughts in order to avoid embarrassment. And he listened to Berwald.<br>"I think I need your help."  
>"What is it?" Matthias took a sip of his Coke.<br>"Tina," he saw Matthias's eyes and sighed. "Don't say anything. I know what you think of her. But that doesn't change my problem."  
>"Which one? This woman is the problem herself."<br>"Tina wants more. If you understand... what I mean."  
>Matthias froze and made a face.<br>"And what about you?"  
>"I'm afraid...to make a fool out of myself...I mean, how much experience did I gain so far?"<br>"Berwald ...Everything has its own pace. If you're not ready fot this things, then she has to wait. Don't force yourself to do that. If you do that, the results will be pretty bad. And then you _will_ make a fool out of yourself. In addition...How should I know what you should do, if I don't know what Tina likes? Every person likes different things. You have to test it out. Talk to her about it. I think, she knows pretty well, what she wants", Matthias shrugged. "And if she really loves you, she should take you as you are, and will accept that you're still a bloody virgin," he grinned at the other one. Berwald blushed slightly. The Swede seemed to think about it, and nodded slowly. He relapsed into silence again and Matthias devoted himself to his food.  
>He tried to suppress the idea which appeared in his head. Berwald and Tina, naked, she stroke his bare chest, and then they would kiss. Urgh. Disgusting. He shuddered.<br>"How about you and Emma? Are you going out?" Berwald asked. Matthias choked on a cucumber and coughed. The Swede patted his back.  
>"What do you mean? Emma and I are just friends. She loves someone else anyway. A guy from Netherlands," Matthias laughed. "Did it really seem like...?"<br>Berwald nodded.  
>"God. Well ... there's nothing between Emma and me. We're just friends."<br>"Did you ever have a relationship? As far as I know, you snubbed every girl who confessed to you."  
>Yes. Because he was gay. And loved someone else.<br>"I did snub every girl. Although I have probably more experience than you, but no, I've never had a relationship."  
>"Are you even interested in someone?"<br>"I'm not interested in a girl right now."  
>If you ignore the fact, that he wasn't even on woman. He didn't lie to him. He wasn't interested in a girl, but into him. But he couldn't confess now. Not with Berwald being in a relationship with Tina.<br>Berwald nodded and seemed to think.  
>"Will you eat that?" Matthias asked, pointed to the hotdog. Berwald shook his head. Matthias stole it from the Swede and ate the rest. As usual.<br>"I have go," the Dane said after a while, took his bag. "See you Monday at work. Or earlier. Do you want to do sports tomorrow?"  
>Nod. Matt grinned at him, turned around and disappeared. Berwald stared at the Dane, until he couldn't see the other one anymore.<p>

Next day. Sport. They were both at a fitness center. Regularly. They both thought, they had to do something for their body. After all they worked in an office most of the time. Tina didn't like Berwald spending so much time with Matthias, but he didn't listen to her. Not in this regard.  
>Both said hardly a word, and focused on the weights. Sweat ran down their foreheads. The shirts stuck to the torsos. The muscles were moving with the movements. Up and down. Up and down.<br>Matthias' eyes moved constantly over the body of the other one, but there was nothing strange with that. They had bottles of water standing next to them, and towels wrapped around their shoulders. Matthias' thoughts were somewhere else. He thought of indecent things. But he wouldn't dare to reveal them. The locker room wasn't a potential location to have sex. Someone came in every 5 minutes. But it would be delightful ... if he would press the Swede against the wall ...he would kiss him passionately ...and then he would...  
>He stopped his thoughts. The Dane had become a master of self-control.<br>If he just could get rid of Tina...she didn't deserve Berwald. Matthias would accept this relationship with Tina being honest, but she wasn't. She would hurt his best friend. And Matthias knew that. But he didn't know a way to prevent this. There _has_ to be a way.  
><em><br>Dear Emma,  
>how are you? Do you have wrapped Thomas around your finger already? Are there new developments, which I need to know of?<br>Did you know that Berri thought we were a couple? No? Neither do I. I have made it clear, I think now he starts to wonder why I had no relationships up until now. I hope he won't ask directly. I don't want to lose him, just because he can't deal with me being gay.  
>I know you'd say now that if he is my best friend, he should take me as I am. But I'm still afraid ... people like me are despised in the society. And I can't live without him. A day without him is ... unbearable. And I love his voice.<br>But you know that already... I write about it often enough. And every time you write back: Tell him, not me.  
>Easier said than done.<br>[...] _


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Matthias was in a bad mood. He sat on his bed bed and watched TV. Boring. He zapped. Boring. He zapped. Advertising. He zapped. Boring.  
>Okay, it had been clear that Berwald would spend more time witha girlfriend. With his girlfriend, who betrayed him. Who didn't love him. This slut. The fact that Berwald had less time for him was a logical consequence. But he missed him. The Dane wrapped his arms around his pillow and wondered what the two were doing. And then...no. He didn't want to know.<br>Berwald hadn't said anything. And Tina refused to speak with him anyway.  
>He rolled onto his back and stared out the window. He was bored. He had other friends, sure, but Berwald was the meaning of his life. Matthias should fresh up his social contacts. He called some, but they were busy. Damn. Murphys' law: if something went wrong, everything went wrong.<br>And he had to go shopping. He needed something to eat, too. So he got up, put on his shoes and walked out of the door.  
>He bought things more spontaneous. He was a very spontaneous person anyway. Unless there were big events.<br>As he entered the supermarket and wandered through the corridors, he didn't see the meeting come. Nobody would have. Then he bumped into someone.  
>"I'm sorry...Lucas?" He asked surprised.<br>"Matthias?" the Norwegian answered surprised, but also emotionless and reserved.  
>"What are you doing here?"<br>"Shopping, as you can see," monotone. As he always had been.  
>"No ... I meant... here in London?"<br>"Living? For a while? I work here ... critics*. You know."  
>"That's great!" Matthias grinned at him. "Do you want go out on a coffee after we're finished?"<br>Lucas hesitated. Then he nodded, didn't change his facial expression. Not a bit.

Later they sat down with the bags in the diner and ate something and drank coffee. They talked about everything and nothing. Although Lucas remained silent most of the time. He seemed uninterested. Matthias didn't mind. He knew the other one.  
>"And?"<br>"What _and_?"  
>"Did you out yourself?"<br>Matthias shook his head. He grinned dryly.  
>"Did you find someone?"<br>Another shake of the head. And now Matthias was the silent one. This wasn't normal. There was more. Lucas guessed.  
>"But you love someone."<br>Nod. Matthias moved the spoon in his coffee, seemed rather embarrassed. He seemed very depressed. He didn't see Berwald and Tina passing by the diner. Berwald saw him, but Matthias did not.  
>"Hetero. And in a relationship."<br>"Fuck."  
>"Yes," he nodded gloomily. "And the worst thing is, that his girlfriend betrays him."<br>"Bitch. Does he know...about your feelings?"  
>"As if. He doesn't even know I'm gay ...," he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't want to ruin the friendship. If I can not have him, I will at least take everything I can get."<br>"That is understandable, but also unhealthy. It destroys you. "  
>"I know."<br>"And yet you do it."  
>"Love is strange, isn't it?"<br>Lucas had been listening all the time and had seemed quite emotionless. But Matthias knew that Lucas could feel something, he just couldn't show his emotions. He was a tsundere anyway. Matthias talked about his problems. Lucas listened. After a while, they separated again.  
>"God ... it was good to talk about it. It was nice to see you."<br>Lucas nodded.  
>"I'll call you."<p>

In the evening, Berwald called him. He asked if he had time. Matthias didn't have time, but he lied. He wanted to see Berwald as often as he could. They met at the usual meeting place. Berwald already stood there, when Matthias arrived.  
>"Here I am."<br>The Swede just nodded. They sat down in the diner. Lucas and Matthias had sat there, too. Also at the same places. They drank coffee and looked out of the window.  
>"Did Tina lose the leash at last?"<br>"Yes."  
>"God, Berri! Now she probably cries and the water level will rise again! We already have global warming," Matthias said rather delighted. He laughed.<br>"What did you just call me?"  
>Matthias froze. Fuck. He should think, before he opens his mouth.<br>"Eh ... Berri?" Matthias replied hesitantly. "I can stop it, if you want. But I think nicknames are great and Berwald always sounds so formal and ... you know?"  
>"... you will be the only one who is allowed to call me that."<br>Matthias needed a moment to realize that. The he started to grin stupidly.  
>"Berri, Berri, Berri," he annoyed him a little and laughed. "Anyway...Guess whom I met today!"<br>Berwald looked at him.  
>"Lucas. The guy from the camp, whom I got along so well with. We bumped into each other in the supermarket. Coincidence? He works and lives here in London!"<br>Matthias babbled and babbled. But he said nothing about his feelings. But actually that was the reason, why Berwald had wanted to meet up. It was rare that Matthias put on a seriously troubled face. Was his laugh faked? Berwald didn't ask. For some reason he knew that Matthias would tell him when the time was right.  
>And Matthias was pleased with his new privilege. His head kept saying just one word in a row: Berri.<p>

_Dearest Emma;  
>as you see, life has become wonderful. I feel gorgeous (okay...sometimes not but that's only because I am bored). Berwald has allowed me to call him Berri. I slipped out the name inadvertently and now I can call him this way! As the only one! Wonderful, the world is suddenly much happier and more colorful!<br>Currently he spends much time with Tina. Meanwhile, I have met someone. You remember Lucas? The guy from the sports camp? With whom I had my first experiences in being gay and so on? He is in London, works and lives here. I have much contact with him. It's very funny. I love to annoy him. I finally have someone with whom I can talk about it ... don't get me wrong, you are also great, but Lucas is just like me, that makes a big difference. Coincidence? In my opinion it's fate.  
>And now...<br>How are you, my dear? So you now have a date with Thomas? Congratulations ...[...] _


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Matthias and Lucas met up again and more often. They talked about many things. Berwald said nothing and it seemed, that he didn't know about it - he spent his days with Tina anyway. Matthias still jumped when Berwald called him or wrote him a mail. And he still ran out of the apartment when the Swede suggested that they could eat at the diner again.  
>Mostly Berwald was there. But sometimes Tina prevented it and Berwald didn't appear. When Berwald didn't show up, Matthias leaned against the wall and waited. And waited. He knew, that the Swede wouldn't come. But he hoped. Berwald was punctual. Always. And if the Swede didn't come after 10 minutes, he wouldn't come at all. So waiting was hopeless. But still...the Dane couldn't stop this. He knew, he was stupid, but he was in love and had the right to act like a fool.<br>The first times it was bearable. But the more often he waited, the less bearable it got.  
>It happened as it had to happen: Rain, Matthias stood in the rain, waited. He had left his umbrella at home. He leaned against the wall and waited. He stared into the rain. And then Lucas passed. Without a word, he took him by the hand and brought him home. With his umbrella.<br>"Isn't it silly?" Matthias said weakly, laughed. "I love a man, who will never see me as a...man. I'm just his best friend. I love him and it hurts ...I always fake a smile, and yet ... it hurts. I don't want to love him ... my body goes crazy when I see him... "  
>Lucas threw a towel over his head, rubbed his hair dry, and didn't say a word.<br>"I'm not good at comforting."  
>"I didn't expect comfort ...I don't want comfort," Matthias said weakly. He leaned his forehead against the chest of the other one. "I just want love. Ridiculous, isn't it?"<br>"Love is something everyone wants."  
>"And yet it is rare to find."<br>Silence. Just the rain.  
>Then Lucas leaned forward and kissed the Dane gently. Matthias just stared at him.<br>"... What was that?"  
>"Imagine I would be him."<br>"But that's ... No, that's not ... I mean ..."  
>"Your dreams come closer this way."<br>Matthias closed his eyes. And there was Berwald...and it were Berwald's lips which had kissed him. Matthias imagined that it was Berwald, who took off his jacket. And God ... it felt good. He felt his member getting hard... But when he opened his eyes again, it was Lucas.  
>"It's... you're too real."<br>"Then I have a suggestion," Lucas said without any emotions. He took his scarf, band it around Matthias' eyes. "This should be better."  
>"It's not his voice..."<br>"I won't not talk."  
>"Why do you do that?"<br>Lucas didn't answer. But he did a good job. Matthias imagination did the rest. He came with Berwalds' name on his lips. Afterward he cried.  
>Lucas was next to him and did nothing, just listened. He didn't even flinch, when the Dane hugged him. Just like a small child, which hurt himself and ran to his mother. Matthias fell asleep after a while. Lucas stayed with him.<p>

The next day at work. It was as usual.  
>"Sorry that I didn't show up yesterday, but..."<br>"Tina?"  
>Nod.<br>Matthias laughed, grinned at him. He smiled his fake- happy smile.  
>"It's okay. At least I know 2% of your thoughts and others much less. That's enough for me."<br>Berwald smiled weakly. He had to make up for it. Perhaps it should surprise Matthias? With a gift? His best friend probably suffered.

And Matthias got a flatmate. Lucas.  
>"A fire in my flat. I stay with you for a while."<br>With this words he moved in. Matthias didn't protest. He did almost everything for good friends.

A few weeks later the situation still was the same, except that Lucas and Matthias had to organize their household. But then, things got better. And Berwald had more time again.  
>"Matthias?"<br>"Yes?" The Dane asked, and turned around in his chair.  
>"Diner?"<br>"Sure", Matthias grinned.  
>"After work."<br>"This is great!" It was normal. Matthias always was pleased when he saw the Swede and got the chance to talk to him. He hoped, that Tina wouldn't prevent it this time.

After work they went to their diner. Both sat down and ate hotdogs. It was as always. Matthias talked and Berwald listened.  
>"Matthias?"<br>"Hm?" Matthias looked at him. "What is it?"  
>"I dumped her."<br>Matthias stared at him.  
>"Before I respond...I am glad that you have sent her into the wilderness, but need to check the water level...but on the other hand you normally aren't happy when you break up and tell your best friend...you know?"<br>"It's okay. I don't mourn for her."  
>"Okay ...reason for dumping her?"<br>"It didn't feel right. And some other things."  
>"Let me think...that means you have more time for me now?" Matthias grinned at him and earned a nod.<br>"Next weekend is the medieval festival. Want to go?"  
>"Yes! I do! I'll book the hotels."<br>"Okay."  
>"Will you wear a dress?"<br>"If you will wear a dress to. In the colors of Sweden," Berwald replied dryly.  
>"But...!"<br>"Your bad luck."  
>Matthias laughed. The world was beautiful again.<br>"This will be awesome!"

_Emma!  
>There is so much to tell that I don't know where to start ... maybe chronological. Lucas lives with me. His flat burned down then he came to me. And he just stayed. It's funny. And he helps me with some things... we had sex. More than once. And I think of Berwald while we're doing it. Somehow it's wrong to make such inappropriate things and to think of him ... but I can't help it. Berwald spent a lot of time with Tina. Too much if you ask me.<br>And now: He broke up with her. He dumped her. I'm glad. The world is more colorful. Nothing can change my mood. And then...Berri and I will go to the Medieval Festival at the weekend. We will stay at a hotel. In one room.  
>And I know what you'll say: That I should tell him, or seduce him. But I still don't want to ruin the <em>_friendship. The friendship is very important for me after all. You will suggest to play the drunk. My problem will be more likely to stay sober.  
>But I will enjoy every minute I'll spend with him! I love him, I love Lucas, I love you. Call me emotional, but I must tell you that: You are the best!<br>And now something else: How was your date with Thomas? What did you wear? What did he wear? Did he give you flowers? Where were you? What did you talk about? Did he pay? Did he kiss you? Did he bring you home? And when is the next date?  
>I want to know everything, so don't let anything out.<br>[...] _


	5. Chapter 4

I am so sorry I didn't upload anything the last three weeks,but I was in the midst of my exams and within the learning I totally forgot to upload a new chapter. But now I am finished and I'm waiting for the corrections...oh and I will be away for a week, so there will be no next chapter next week either, but after that I will have plenty of time~  
>And thanks for reading 3<p>

Chapter 4

Berwald picked up Matthias, they packed their things on the backseat of the car. The festival was 'some' miles away, so they had booked a hotel. Matthias was happy...just like a little child, and he kept chattering. Berwald hardly responded. At some point, Matthias stayed silent too. They drove to the hotel at first and checked in.  
>They put on their special clothes for this event, Matthias even had taken his axe with him. And then they entered the medieval market. It was...as if they were torn out from reality in an instant*. Tents everywhere and music. Flutes, violins and bagpipes. Many people were dressed up and here and there they saw horses. There was a tournament, and mead and old dishes.<br>Berwald and Matthias walked up and down the market, drank some mead and talked with others. They recognized old friends and old friends recognized them.  
>Towards evening they sat down and stared at the stage. The band was a calm one*. Matthias looked around.<br>"Berri", he began thoughtfully.  
>"Hm?"<br>"Somehow I just feel... out of place."  
>"Why?"<br>"Look around."  
>He did.<br>"Oh."  
>"Yes. Oh."<br>In front of them was a couple, right and left too. They were everywhere. Matthias grinned wryly. Somehow they followed him around. Happy couples. He grinned and shook his head. Berwald looked at him.  
>"What are you thinking?"<br>"A question I should ask you all the time. What do I think? Well..There is probably no one around, who is single. Hey, I'm single, you are single...What do you think? Wouldn't we make a nice couple? So how about us?", He asked. He thought of it more as a joke rather than something else. The answer stunned him.  
>"Why not?"<br>_Was he serious? _

A little later, Matthias was drunk. Berwald knew that and knew him. He was also the one who didn't stop his best friend. He knew it was useless. He brought the other man to the hotel, supported him. Matthias sang some songs in Danish. It sounded a little like love songs. But he sang terrible. And he didn't let go of the bottle of mead. Berwald smiled weakly. It was the same every time.  
>At the hotel he took Matthias to their room, leaned the ax onto the wall and changed clothes before he wanted to change Matthias'. The Dane shouldn't sleep in this clothes after all. He was still awake and giggled childishly.<br>Berwald changed, and wanted to help Matthias out of his shirt. He loosened the strings. Matthias was very quiet at once. Was he asleep? No, he wasn't. Berwald continued and took off Matthias' shirt.  
>"Berri ...", he heard him wailing.<br>He said nothing. Matthias would talk.  
>"Berri?"<br>"Hm?" He responded and opened the button of the pants.  
>"Do me a favor ...", The voice of the Dane was clear, but he was still drunk. And cuddly like a little child.<br>"What?"  
>"Kiss me."<br>"... You're drunk."  
>"I know", he chuckled. "But that doesn't matter."<br>"Why should I do that?"  
>"Because I want it?"<br>"That makes no sense."  
>"It doesn't have to make sense. I am drunk, after all."<br>Berwald scrutinized the other one.  
>"You mean it seriously."<br>"Yes. Kiss me. Berri ... please ...", he stretched out his hand to the Swede and tugged his sleeve. Berwald hesitated.  
>"But only this one time"<br>He leaned forward, slowly, and pressed his lips on the lips of the other one. Matthias kissed back. Berwald broke the kiss quickly. Matthias had closed his eyes.  
>"Again...", he said dreamily.<br>"You're crazy ..."  
>"Maybe I am. Kiss me again."<br>Berwald sighed and gave in. He kissed the Dane for a second time. The Dane kissed him back again. And he put his arms around the Swedes' neck. Berwald didn't stop the kiss.  
>Somehow ... it felt good. Matthias also seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He pushed Berwald to the bed and pressed his body on the white sheets. His tongue glided into his mouth as Berwald opened his mouth to protest.<br>Matthias was drunk.  
>In vino veritas. Drunken people and children always told the truth. What does this whole thing mean? Was Matthias sexually frustrated? Or does he like him? Like <em>that<em>? Berwalds' heart beat faster for some reason. Matthias' hands wandered under his Shirt, stroke over the chest, the soft skin.  
>Berwald knew...Matthias didn't do this for the first time. And it felt good. He made a good job.<br>Should he do something too? He gave it a try. The Dane seemed to like it... he gave a pleasant sound. The Swede shuddered.  
>Berwald didn't know how this night would end. He was confused. But he didn't change the course of the evening.<p>

The next morning, Matthias opened his eyes. He had a huge headache. And a hangover. He wanted to lay down and turn around again, when he made acquaintance with the floor.  
>He groaned, rubbed his head.<br>That wasn't his room. And Lucas wasn't there. The Dane looked up...and saw Berwald. He had shared a bed with Berwald. The Swede still seemed to sleep.  
>He remembered again. They had visited the Medieval Festival. Then there had been this concert and the drinking after the concert. A lot. And he remembered the way back. He had sung. But the last bottle of mead had been too much. After that there was just a big black hole in his memory.<br>Why was he dressed normally? Why had he slept in a bed with Berwald?  
>The Swede woke up, rubbed his head, searched for his glasses. And Matthias tried desperately to remember. He stared at the floor, focusing.<br>"Everything okay?"  
>"No", Matthias wailed. "I have a headache, a hangover and a hole in my mind. I remember... we were on the way back, but I don't remember to have arrived here ...and nothing after that."<br>Berwald stared at him. Something changed at that moment. Was it Berwald? The mood? The weather? Matthias did not know.

_Emma ...  
>I made a terrible mistake. Really. Terrible. It should have been a great night, but Me jerk drank too much. The last thing I know is how Berwald had brought me back. To the hotel. After that ... nothing. But I woke up with him in a bed. In normal clothing. What did happen? Berwald doesn't want to tell me. He always says, there didn't happen anything, but I know there was something.<br>Did I say things I shouldn't have said? Or ... worse, did I do something with him what I shouldn't have done?  
>I don't want our friendship to break. The way back in the car was quiet. It was macabre. I want to undo it. But I can't undo this. And at work today... he treated me weird. He almost ignored me! He barely reacted to anything I said...<br>Emma, I'm afraid ... I don't want to lose him.  
>[...] <em>


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
><em><br>Day 1:  
>Answer me please ... I mean... even if we are at work, we can still talk. And let's talk. Don't ignore me... I don't know what I've done but ... but ... please.<br>Berri, speak with me!_

_Day 4:  
>Berwald,<br>Answer me. Why do I get the feeling you're avoiding me or is this my paranoia?  
>Tell me the 98% of your thoughts no one knows...<br>You're my best friend ...  
>Answer. please.<em>

_Day 7:  
>...Okay. I've made a complete mess...right? We hadn't spoken since the weekend and you don't answer...<br>Enlighten me. I don't want to lose you. I lose my mind and if that happens, I can't work.  
>Please, answer me.<em>

_Day 9:  
>Slowly... I can't stand it anymore. Lucas says I'm going crazy. Crazy. 1000 questions in my head. And no answers. Was it that bad?<br>God, the silence is going to break me..._

_Day 13:  
>Just tell me, what's going on. I don't know anything.<br>Whatever I did: I'm sorry._

_Day 15:  
>Okay. I get it. You won't answer anyway. Just write back someday, if you are willing to talk to me again. I won't bother you anymore.<br>Even if it hurts ... I won't force you. This is my last mail.  
>I don't know what I did. Tell me at least that, before you disappear. Then I won't have more questions. That would be only fair, right? Well ... How do you end this kind of mails? Farewell? I have no idea.<br>_

Matthias clicked Send. Then he stared at the screen and began to cry. But it no longer made sense. He missed the Swede.  
>Not a word. He didn't say a word to him since the weekend.<br>Lucas watched him suffer, but he couldn't help him and he couldn't change it. He wasn't good at comforting. Matthias just stared out of the window and had the phone next to him. He went to bed early and got up late. He stayed in bed most of the time, and always checked his mails.  
>Nothing came. Days passed. Nothing came.<p>

The door bell rang. Matthias didn't move. He just stared at the phone. Next to the phone was the laptop. Lucas looked at him.  
>"The doorbell rang."<br>Silence. The Dane didn't react.  
>"I'll open it."<br>Lucas opened the door, looked up at the tall, blond man standing there. They didn't need words. Lucas stepped aside and let him in. Berwald was surprised of Lucas being here, but said nothing. He could ask about this later. If there was a later.  
>Matthias didn't look up. He just stared at the phone.<br>"You have a visitor", Lucas said briefly, and threw him a pillow to the head.  
>"Can't. Must watch phone," Matthias said and didn't turn around.<br>"As if you wouldn't hear the phone when you sit somewhere else. Really. You are pathetic."  
>"So? And?" Matthias shrugged. "Doesn't change the facts."<br>"Well...I'll go shopping. We need bread. Want something?"  
>Matthias shook his head.<br>Lucas nodded to Berwald and disappeared shortly thereafter. Berwald remained silent for a while. Matthias barely reacted. The Swede hardly knew what to do or to say. Instead, he cleared his throat. Matthias turned around quickly, stared at him.  
>"Ber ... Berri," he stammered, got up and climbed over the couch, he almost fell down. He trembled. His hands grabbed his collar. "You are real...this isn't a dream, isn't it? Beat me! Show me, that I'm dreaming!" he said and smiled weakly. While the tears ran down his cheeks. It was macabre. He didn't want to cry and yet he did. "You're probably here, because..."<br>Berwald hardly moved.  
>"I wanted to talk to you."<br>"That was... Yeah," the Dane said. He wiped away the tears. "I'm just a little emotional ... Sit down... do you want something to drink?"  
>"No," Berwald obeyed and sat down. "I didn't know that Lucas lives here."<br>"His flat caught on fire so he is staying with me. Until he finds another apartment."  
>"Oh...okay."<br>They were silent for a while. Berwald looked around. He had folded his hands. Matthias sat opposite of him, had calmed down. But his heart raced.  
><em>Please, say something. <em>  
>"This silence had...nothing to do with you. I only had to think about some things ... You haven't done anything wrong at the weekend. But it's a pity you don't remember."<br>"Thinking?" Matthias asked calmly.  
>"Yes. And I'm afraid to reveal my conclusions."<br>"Berri, I will never condemn you. No matter who you are and what you are."  
>"Even if I were gay?"<br>Matthias stared at him, blinked. Berwald looked at him...he was nervous.  
>"You and gay?"<br>Nod.  
>"And that's why didn't you talk to me at all? Just because of that?"<br>Another nod. A little more hesitant. And ashamed.  
>"You know me for ages... you should know that I have no problem with it. Ask Lucas. And ask me, damn! At least you could have told me, that you need time to think!" Matthias sighed and sank back. "And I thought..."<br>"I'm sorry," Berwald apologized, and he was serious. Matthias smiled weakly.  
>"Forgiven. I can never be angry for long. Not if it's you. But really ...why didn't you tell me earlier? I have no problem with the fact that you're gay. Why should I when I'm also on men?" He answered. Berwald stared at him.<br>"What? Did I say something wrong?" Matthias asked uncertain.  
><em>Shit. Why did I say it? <em>  
>"And you didn't tell me."<br>"You never asked. Now there are 3 people, who knows about it. Lucas, because he made me aware of my orientation, then Emma, who had asked me, and now you."  
>"Your parents?"<br>"No... they would die if they knew about it."  
>"And Lucas is ...?"<br>"A good friend. Just...like a brother."  
>Berwald was silent and the atmosphere was more relaxed now. Matthias was relieved. Things were clear. Finally.<br>"Berri?"  
>The Swede looked at him.<br>"Mind to tell me what I had done on this special weekend?"  
>"Another time," Berwald muttered and looked away. "...Hotdogs?"<br>_  
>Hi Emma,<br>How are you? As you have noticed the last few weeks, I had been in pretty bad mood. Yes, had been. This bad mood had came to an end. Reason: He talks to me again. He had visited me some days ago. I still have no idea what happened that weekend, but this silence wasn't because of me.  
>He had to think about various things.<br>Emma, he is gay. Gay! Just like me! And he is single! I can hardly believe it ... I have chances, but will he ever see me as a man? I want to be more than just his best friend. I'm afraid...  
>When two best friends are gay, questions will appear...something like: He is gay, me too...is there maybe more?<br>I do not know what I should do now. Should I ask him out? Something special? Or leave it as it is and hope that he ask me out someday? Maybe I should just stay his best friend?  
>Oh, I don't know.<br>Tell me, Emma.  
>[...] <em>


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